Nothing to see here. It's just me.

Not really sure where to begin this. I find that a lot of the time, I spend too much time trying to make these sound pretty instead of worrying about exactly what I'm saying, which is a microcosm of who I really am.

This past year was not a good one for me. I wronged more people than I care to admit, and worse, I kept wronging them time and time again despite apologizing and trying to make myself out to be someone that wouldn't do those things. The fact is, I AM someone who would do those things, and many times I don't see that, but it's true. I have become someone that I hate and I'm not exactly sure how to correct it.

My only saving grace is that I actually wish to correct it. Lately, I've hit rock bottom and I've realized that I can't keep going down this path. I need help in the worst way. I need someone to save me.

My life with God has been nonexistent the last four months. Everyone says they won't fall into the trap of not being in church once they get to college, and I've fallen into that hole, despite telling myself that I was immune to it. Do You even remember who I am? Sometimes I wonder: When I go on these hiatuses like I tend to do, why do You welcome me back? How do You still remember who I am? I don't deserve that! I deserve to be forgotten. I don't remember You; why do You continually remember me, God? I'm so thankful that You do, but why don't I do a better job of showing it. Why do I not even ATTEMPT to show how thankful I am for Your love?

I am so caught up in my own plans. I have neglected Your plan for my life, and for that, I am truly sorry. I promise to bury Proverbs 3:5-6 deep in my heart and begin to attempt to live my life for You. You remember me each and every time I choose to neglect you; I promise to do my best to remember You in everything.

2010 begins a new year and hopefully, a new me. And it also begins with this, my chance at a clean slate:

Not only have I neglected God, but I've neglected you too, and I'm so sorry. You have done nothing but care about me ever since we've met, and it's time for me to begin acting like a man and start living up to my end of the bargain. You are the strongest person I know; even when I was such a terrible person to you, you continued to have faith in me and I love you so much for that. Now it's time for me to be there and have faith in you. You are such a blessing to everyone you come in contact with, me included, and anytime you need someone to lean on, I want you to know that from now on, you can count on me being there. You have changed my life for the better, and now it's my turn to do the same thing for you. It's my turn.

2010 also is the prologue to a new chapter in my life. I have come to realize that my hasty decision making is what put me at UTD this year, and that God is saying no more of that. I can't wait to be in College Station and have an opportunity to get my life on track both spiritually and socially. There is great work to be done, and I want to be a part of it so badly. Nothing is going to hold me back. I have to give things up for God, and finally, I am willing to. I'm tired of being selfish. I'm tired of looking out for me. It's my turn to take a seat on the bench and let God start calling the shots.

So, to 2010--a year filled with hope, with new beginnings, with chances to prove once and for all that I AM the person I wish to be--and to everyone out there reading this and shaking their head and agreeing with everything I've been saying: say "hello" to the new Ryan Castle. A person who is ready to earn your trust and prove that I'm more than just fluff.

All I need is a chance. Jesus gave that to me.

This is me, trying not to disappoint.

The World

I am a firm believer in Jesus Christ. I believe that He was the ultimate sacrifice and took my place on the cross so that I could die one day and go to Heaven.

However, none of that is to say that I am a firm believer in religion. Religion, in my opinion, is a fabrication concocted by man for no other reason than to push people apart. And sometimes, it's a vehicle for people's discriminatory mindsets, an excuse, and a rather poor one, to not give a person a chance.

One thing that I learned back in seventh grade was that paradigms, the way we see things, were something that stood in our way. The stubbornness and closemindedness we exhibit towards certain people and ways of life prohibit growth and squander opportunities to live our lives to the fullest, and to ultimately, be happy.

You know, maybe it was only a month of my life. 34 days. But in those 34 days, nothing made me happier than when I was with you. And it pains me knowing that no matter what we felt for each other, it can never be anything.

The feeling of helplessness is a terrible one. It's like trying to swim upstream towards dry land, praying that the current turns around to lend you a helping hand, knowing full well that it won't.

34 days. I know it's not a lot, but you have a piece of my heart that I don't think I'll get back. A piece I don't think I want back. You are the most beautiful thing in the world to me, and it saddens me to have realized that it is indeed as they say: The world always wins. It doesn't matter how we felt. You are who you are, and more important, I am who I am. And because of that, I'll always have to wonder.

What would happen if the world didn't always win?

College

For the past few weeks, I've been having random deja vu moments that for the most part have been high school related. I've found myself back there in my mind, in an alternate universe where my life really isn't moving; where it stands still and time is irrelevant.

Fortunately, as I have learned, these moments are not real. And my life is moving forward into an exciting new direction. One of new faces and challenges; of greater choices, and consequences. But after spending my first night in this new reality, I've felt something that readily escaped me in high school. And it's such a good feeling.

This entry is for remembering my last ever first day of college. A day that I spent meeting friends that will last a lifetime.


Thank you, God.

Music

Until recently, I have always been a passive fan of music. I have never been able to play an instrument. When I was a little, many times I would improvise the lyrics to a song I was singing, unaware of the actual lyrics and even uncaring. But the last year has done a lot to form my musical identity.

I am now able to connect on an emotional level with the music I listen to. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I now listen to music that can carry its own weight. For the most part in high school, I listened to country music, a genre that is catchy and trendy, yet lacks real depth. Enter U2.

I had some knowledge of the band from Dublin through their appearance in the popular iPod commercials of the early 2000's. But when I bought my first full U2 album, How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, on February 25th of this year, I was instantly hooked into a larger world than I thought existed. Almost immediately, I was drawn to the incredible message of Original of the Species, the endearing and undeniable imagery of City of Blinding Lights, and the condemnation of a society lacking altruistic views in Crumbs from Your Table.

Nine albums (No Line on the Horizon, The Joshua Tree, All That You Can't Leave Behind, Achtung Baby, Boy, War, Pop, The Unforgettable Fire, and Zooropa, in that order) and hundreds of listens later, I have found lyrics that I can sink my teeth into, a vocalist who sounds like what I think Jesus might sound like, and most importantly to me, a reason to say that music, for the first time in my life, has a genuine place in my makeup.

Our prayer is that we don't become a monster in order to defeat the monster.

Temptation

One of my favorite passages of the bible is Matthew 4:1-11. Jesus goes into the desert to be tempted by Satan after having fasted for forty days and forty nights, and still has the physical and mental fortitude necessary to rebuke the devil, using scripture.

Think about that for a second. Forty days. Forty nights. Have you ever in your life (I guess Catholics or anybody who recognizes Lent would be excluded from this) been dedicated to something that excruciating for forty days? How about thirty, or even twenty? The bible says that after the period of fasting, "he was hungry."

I'll bet He was. But he was able to display the ultimate physical perseverance by denying Satan's appeasing (and arguing that it wouldn't be appeasing to anyone other than Jesus is kidding yourself) temptation to turn the rocks into bread.

Then, for his next trick, Satan tried to manipulate scripture. Jesus, without blinking an eyelash, showed amazing mental strength and said, "Again, it is written, 'You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.'" After forty days and forty nights of malnutrition, He was able to muster the strength to again refuse to be tempted. And finally, a third time, he refused to allow himself to be compromised in the desert.

It's my prayer that we would all call upon God to give us this strength. The strength to not only recognize, but ignore temptations. They will always exist, no matter what chapter of life you may currently be in. They will be there. Every day, I struggle with this. And it's not even the temptation to do something that would compromise my walk, but also, it's the temptation to think thoughts that I know I shouldn't. But with God, I know I have a buffer that will help me get over the hump, however difficult the challenge may be to overcome. It's up to us to make sure we are up to that challenge.

Like Jesus was.

Guts to Get in the Car

In the last two days, I've watched both Transformers movies. Michael Bay, by the way, is a genius. They are excellent movies filled not only with action scenes that Mission Impossible can't compete with, but an enthralling story as well.

One of my favorite lines comes in the first. Sam Witwicky asks Mikaela, "When you look back 50 years from now at your life, don't you want to be able to say you had the guts to get in the car?" Looking back at the last four years of my life, I can safely say that I didn't get in the car enough times. So many times when I had the opportunity to do something even a little dangerous, I passed it up out of some misplaced fear. Fear of trouble. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of regret.

That's something that, with the coming years, I'd like to change. I want to be a little more loose with my actions and more open to doing things that I consider out of what I call my responsibility realm. Am I saying that I suddenly desert my morals and turn them in for a life of partying hard? Absolutely not. But we must all be searching for our moral boundaries, and more importantly, ways to occasionally cross them.

I think it was Johann Wolfgang von Goethe who said, "Live dangerously, and you live right."

Do Good

Fellow members of the graduating class of 2009: Tonight’s award ceremony has been the culmination of four years of hard work and dedication. Each of you in this auditorium has seen his share of success, trials, and opportunities to lie down and surrender.

And while graduating from high school may not seem like one of the great accomplishments of our lives to some, let me reassure you that what we have endured is truly a triumph of the human spirit. Consider it for a second: we’ve spent countless hours producing projects, studying for tests, and staying up late to finish English scrapbooks or math worksheets, and through all of it, how refreshing it is to know that we have all ended up in the same place, here together in this auditorium tonight with a chance to reflect on where we have been and where we will go.

Considering the laundry list of things we have accomplished, it would be foolish to believe that all of it came without the help of others, which is why at this time I’d like you to join me in standing and giving a round of applause to those who have helped you, whether it be friends, family, or teachers.

These individuals have been the backbone and foundation of our success, and without them, nothing would be possible. They have guided and supported us and lifted us up when the rest of the world brought us down, and for that, we are grateful.

Fellow classmates, before I conclude, I’d like to share a small piece of advice that Mrs. Peebles shared with many of you: Don’t get so entranced with your every day lives that you forget to seek out the dimes; the unexpected joys that come from waking up with the sun beaming in the window, from hearing the birds chirp in the distance, from telling a loved one how much you truly care.

Believe in yourselves. Dream. Try. And not only do well, but more importantly: do good.

On behalf of the entire Class of 2009, thank you for coming tonight and God bless.